Communication skills are essential to me, my family, and anyone trying to live and operate in groups larger than one. And when you’re living in a 40’ school bus, they are even more so than you realize. Little things in a house that can go under the radar can become major annoyances quicker than one realizes. It’s hard to walk away and fume when the object of your ire is 6 feet away and it’s storming outside.
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We were listening to some music the other day, and Terri Clark’s “I Just Wanna Be Mad“ came on.
I absolutely love the chorus, as it sheds a beautiful light on an important aspect of feelings and communication.
It’s honest. Not just honest with the person the singer is fighting with, but honest with themselves, too.
Honesty like that is hard. We’re taught to hide our feelings in public, to present a neutral or happy face to the world. All too often, that bleeds into our homes, with the very people that can help us deal with our big feelings. Do any of these sound familiar?
We can communicate better
When we fight or argue, we are afraid of upsetting the other parties more when we’re upset at them. It makes sense that we do. Assuming that we care about the other people involved, the last thing we want to do is make it worse. Let’s break down how Terri handled her fight.
“I’ll never leave, I’ll never stray, my love for you will never change”
Immediately, Terri lets her partner know that the world or the relationship isn’t ending; there’s just a hiccup.
“Please don’t make me smile, I just want to be mad for a while”
And here is where she’s honest with herself. The argument may have been irrational, petty, or meaningless in the long run, but she got herself worked up over it.
Note, her partner didn’t get her worked up. She acknowledges this and has told them that she knows they deserve rationality, and she can’t supply it right now. With a little space to cool down, she’ll come back to it.
As a family, we recently finished a re-read of The Arbinger Institute’s Leadership and Self-Deception. One of the key parts of that book’s lesson is that when communications break down, people will start to tell themselves stories in their minds to justify their hurt feelings. Terri has recognized this in herself and knows that she needs to calm down before she can be rational. Hopefully, her partner’s reply was
“OK, I hear you. Do you want me to find you, or will you find me?”
He doesn’t need to make special food, he doesn’t need to hide and “weather out the storm.” Just back off, leave a door open, and respect her truth. That’s the key; nothing special. Good communication is rooted in respecting each other’s truths. You don’t have to agree with them, and you can challenge them, respectfully. But if you don’t respect them, then you aren’t listening, and if you aren’t listening, then communication doesn’t happen. I challenge you all to listen to Terri’s song and think of situations in your life where it may have been better to be mad for a while.