Raising kids is challenging. No one can dispute that. Gallons of ink have been spilled on the internet and libraries on how-to articles, advice chats, and training videos. Through all of these resources and tricks, one of the most powerful tools I’ve come across and use is noticing out loud.
What is noticing out loud? It is exactly what it sounds like: Noticing when your children, coworkers, friends, or others do something you like. Then say something to them about it. Sounds easy? It’s not.
Noticing Out Loud: Setting the Stage
Let’s do a thought experiment. Your children have been busy all morning playing with Lego. They have built a whole village in their playroom, with roads and train stations. A little LEGO metro!
In scenario one, it’s now lunchtime. The children abandon their creations, eat, and then go outside to play.
In scenario two, when the kids realize it’s time for lunch, they pick up their toys before going to eat. Then go outside.
I’m guessing that a lot of you can relate to scenario one. I bet you told your kids to come back and clean up their Legos. Maybe even lectured them about needing to clean up between tasks? Probably more than once.
I’m also guessing that a lot of you have seen scenario two but said nothing, just happy they cleaned up. It’s probably true that there are some parents out there who’ve seen a lot of the first scenario, and rarely the second.
Positive Punishment vs Positive Reinforcement
If you’re not familiar with the term “positive reinforcement,” it is the process of rewarding a behavior by adding a stimulus. People inherently want to please people. Children especially. We learn how to please people by the feedback they give us. So let us ask ourselves, what feedback did we give in the first scenario, and what feedback did we give in the second?
In the first, what we did was a process called positive punishment, we added a punishment in the form of a lecture. While positive punishment can work, what it’s training the children to do is complete a task to avoid something unpleasant. The same way we adults pay bills. There is no inherent joy in paying a bill; we do it to avoid the punishment of having the power turned off.
Now let’s look at the second scene. Did we give any feedback, positive or other? No, but we should have. Let’s rewrite that scene, making sure to notice out loud.
The children have been industriously building their LEGO town when they notice it’s lunchtime. They quickly pack up their toys and come down to eat. You, being an observant parent, notice they cleaned up their toys first and say to them, “Hey kids, I noticed you cleaned up your toys before coming down to eat. I really appreciate that, thank you!”
The Power of Noticing Out Loud
Now your children know they did something good! The recognition makes the task of cleaning up the Legos rewarding in itself. It’s the same process that makes us enjoy good food, hang out with friends, and seek adventure: dopamine. The pleasure chemical in the brain that makes us all seek out its source! It’s the reason why positive reinforcement, specifically noticing out loud, is so effective. To break it down even more ask yourself: Would you rather have a tasty snack or avoid a late payment on your credit card?
Is Noticing Out Loud a Quick Fix?
Noticing out loud is powerful, but it’s not immediate. For one, if we haven’t been using it then we’ve got a lot of “damage control” ahead of us. Luckily, damage control is as simple as reminding ourselves to notice out loud. We, as parents, need to actively look for those opportunities.
Remember the second situation, where we were just happy that our kids did the right thing? We were passive. Noticing out loud is an active skill, but it’s one that builds trust, strengthens bonds, and works so much better than positive punishment. I challenge you all to try it, not just with your kids, but with your spouses and coworkers. You’ll be amazed by the results.